Life is catching up.

Every once in a while my life seems to catch up to me, I get worried about everything and let it just blow out of proportion, only this time it feel like more.

I have always believed if you are unhappy what you're doing or where you are you should leave. For instance, if you hate going to work and are always un happy, get a new job. For some reason I just feel like I have no idea what I'm doing at my job now, I feel out of control and like I'm constantly trying and getting nothing. My boss has been out of town for the last week and will be until the end of this week so maybe it's needing guidance? Or maybe I just suck at my job and should find something I'm amazing at.

I also had a lot more confidence before, I feel fat and weird all the time. I dont ever know what to wear and can't figure out why, It's just like a life thing that I need to shake. A bad habit I need to break.

I also am missing my friends more and more. I need to go to Visit my bestfriends and I want to reconnect with the others. I'm counting down my days of dependence and hopeing to god things get better. I haven't had Winter depression this year and it just all seems to be hitting at once. I hate that feeling, where you feel like you're running as fast as you can yet everything seems to be an inch or two away at any given point.

So there is this boy..

Since I started working at the place I work now, I have liked 2 different guys that have worked with me. The first one was there for a month, the only day I worked with him he put in his two weeks. Basically big fat waste of my time, turns out he acts and young as he is. And has now stolen from the company twice that we know of.
Awesome right, well then this last week we get a new co-manager. We'll call him S.

I don't know what it is about him but I really sort of have the most child-ish crush on him. He has gorgeous eyes and I like how he dresses. (really, these are what impress me?!?!) He really just is gorgeous, I feel weird saying that about a man but really. I also feel weird calling him a man, not a guy. So this leads to one of the main problems.. he's like 8 years older then me. (if you round up.. he's 30!) Another problem.. I dont really thinks he goes for girls like me.. but that's beside the point. So I can't decided if he teases me because he's being a 10 year old and being mean because he likes me, or if he's being like my brother. Either way, not good.
I feel so weird saying I have a crush, its just not me.
He's also drug free, apparently he used to be straight edge.
My last blog will tell you that no, I have not been drug free for a few years now.
My first love was straight edge, so I once lived a similar lifestyle, but again Not the point.
Another thing I find attractive, he's mean. He teases me.. but really he's sort of just an ass hole. and I find that a little attractive. Dont ask.

So I guess for now, I have crush on a guy from my work, 8 years older, handsome?, an ass hole and probably maybe not interested, oh and did I mention he leaves for the army in 2 months.
:( Hate when this happens.
I close with him 4 times this week so we'll see how this turns out.

One Year Ago.

Who were you one year ago? I've thought about it for the last month, turning 18, going to a different high school for the second semester of my senior year. Getting drunk every weekend (and 1 or 2 days a week too..) and getting stoned everyday. Smoking cigarettes, Rolling, doing coke. All of it at the same time. Literally drinking a few beers, doing a shot or two, then doing lines off the counters in the hotel we would stay at. After that all I wanted to do was go on a drive. We always thought drinking smart water and taking 5HTP pills would make us smart. not loose the brain cells as much. Who knows. That is beside my point.

One time I actually remember being so fucked up and we had enough coke to do 3 or 4 tinners (if you've ever done drugs you'll know what this is, if not you might get it after my story.) But we had no tin foil or baking soda, so my bestfriend D and I get in the car (remind you this is after 3 beers and about 2 bowls) we just went and got lost on our way to Walmart. But really if you buy tin foil and baking soda at the store while you're already fucked up people will judge. No good.
So we went to like 5 different stores and finally got it. Went back to the hotel and got our tinners ready. Everyone there was so thrilled to see us and at that moment I questioned my life. I thought back to "What would my parents say if they saw us?" "What would my teachers think, my peers, my friends that didn't know my life style?" But mostly I thought, "What would the 10 year old me think..?
The thought must not have lasted long.

Being on just alcohol is different, warm? Crazy, sick, little bit of a headache.
Being just stoned is good, clean, tired. You just feel relaxed and high, simple.
Being on just coke.. it's numb. Cold, made me feel like I was moving and squirming.
Being on E is like Happy. Love, little anxiety, hot. Sex. and you want to move.


Being Fucked Up, on anything and everything. It's intense. It's like seeing you're first love I would think. You want him but at the same time the pain of not being in love is horrible.


The other story is from one year ago to this day.
My bestfreind at the time, we'll call her S. We went to Wyoming to see her boyfriend and stay the weekend. It was both her boyfriend and my birthday weekend so we needed to Party. Well we got to the hotel at 4 or 5 and got high, did dinner, drove around. Went to the lake, in January. and drove up sand hills. Went back to the hotel, got stoned watched tv and slept. We slept until like 11 and stayed in bed and just got high until around 4 when we realized we were hungry! So got more food, went back to the hotel and the girls got ready for the night. We ended up haveing 2 boys in the hotel as well as S, me and her boyfriend. We just played beerpong and I got high. I'm pretty sure I loaded the Vaporizer and smoked by myself for a second until boyfriend came over. Everyone was almost impressed that an 18 year old little girl from Utah was smoking with the big boys, it was a proud day in my mind. But then it was mine turn to play pong, I rock at pong. anyway It was my turn and every shot I took the really Hot boy would say something dirty in my ear. It was just stuff like "Oh you would look good after I threw you on that bed" or "Those pants would look better if they were off, or on the ground" Just Wyoming Boy stuff to say. I always play the I'm not interested card or act like no one means anything but really I wanted to hook up with him. The rest of the night was going to a party that was really stupid actually and he didn't go because he hated the guy right. So no hook up for me. Just 7 beers, 6 bowls of Cronic, 9 shots of Crown Royal and about a pack of cigarettes.

Now look at me, I work all day. Have no bestfriends, want a second job to fill my time. And I talk about the old times. I don't touch drugs or alcohol really.. Don't smoke, don't party.
I miss having fun, I don't miss being the girl that could party with the boys, and hold her alcohol. I dont miss not remember nights and I really don't miss feeling like a addict.
But I miss the fun I miss being that kind of happy.

Well this is my second blog, and now I hope to continue.